Iroh's Complete Guide to Parenting
by MasterArtist01
Summary: The title says it all. Warning: Contains wise thoughts and stupid randomness. ZUTARA. HONESTLY IT IS.
1. Drinking

**So. I'm back. **

**This is a series of drabbles that include wise thoughts and randomness. So I should start by saying that I don't own Avatar: The Last Airbender but it hurts too much. Anyway sorry for any mistakes and grammatic errors but I was lazy so oh well. So this story is just to be funny so just read and don't get offended by anything written. Just laugh it off.**

**IF YOU ARE A ZUTARA FAN AND YOU'RE A BIT CONFUSED PLEASE READ THE NOTE IN CH. 3**

**So on with the story.**

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><p><strong>IROH'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO PARENTING<strong>

_Ch. 1_

How to speak to your kids about… Drinking

Step 1- Find a convenient time.

The scorching sun's heat bit against the Fire Nation. It was the kind of heat that tortured you endlessly unless you cooled off with a nice cold drink. And that is exactly what Sokka was trying to do.

Naturally, when Sokka drank, he did it secretly. Why, you may ask? Well, you see, Sokka has been hooked on cactus juice since he first drank it. Unfortunately, after one sip, chaos and destruction followed him. So Katara had been making sure he was miles away from even one drop of that bittersweet refreshment. However, today was Katara and Toph's "girl's day out". Once Katara's huge grin and Toph's annoyed scowl disappeared from view, Sokka giddily ran towards his secret stash of cactus juice in the Royal kitchen.

"Hehehehe", he giggled as he climbed on the counter and opened the cupboard.

A bright light and the sound of angels singing surrounded the bottle of cactus juice. His eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.

"Oh yeah. Come to papa." Sokka grabbed the bottle and sat down on the counter. He opened the bottle and took a whiff of the aroma.

"Mmmm. Oh yeah baby. You're getting it tonight. Oh yeah!"

Sokka grinned and pulled the bottle towards his lips.

"Nooooooooooo!"

Sokka turned just in time to see a giant red blob pounce on him.

"Ahhhhhahhhhhahh!"

Step 2- Find a private, comfortable place to talk.

Sokka groaned as Iroh picked himself off him.

"Thank Agni. That was close.", Iroh said as he brushed himself off and looked at the bottle in his hands.

Sokka shook the shock from his face and yelled, "What the heck was that for?"

"I apologize Water Tribe Sokka boy, but I could not let you drink this.", Iroh said.

"Why not? It's freakin' hot! I need something refreshingly delicious. Why won't anyone let me freakin' drink in peace?", Sokka yelled.

When he heard the word "drink", Iroh grabbed Sokka's collar.

"Did you just say drink?", he questioned with a wild twitch in his eye.

"Um. Yes?", Sokka answered uncertainly.

"Come." Iroh commanded while half dragging Sokka.

Step 3- State the dangers about drinking.

Sokka sat on a tiny chair with a pout on his face while looking at Iroh in front of him with a poster board and a pointing stick.

"Can I go?"

"No! You must learn about the dangers of drinking.", Iroh said.

"But…"

"No."

Sokka crossed his arms on his chest and pouted even more.

"First off. When you drink, the alcohol messes with your brain until you can't control yourself." Iroh pointed to a cheap stick figure drawing on the board that showed a wild looking boy.

"But…"

"No.", Iroh said with a stern look on his face.

"Next, alcohol can make you addicted.", Iroh said as he pointed to another picture.

"But…"

"God child. Stop interrupting your teacher! What do you want?"

"I wasn't going to drink alcohol. It's just cactus juice."

"Oh.", Iroh said as he took the bottle and sniffed it. "I need to make sure." Iroh took a huge gulp.

"What! No! That's my cactus juice!", Sokka yelled as he pounced on Iroh.

"No!", Iroh yelled. "No takey the deliciousness!"

Sokka kept swinging towards the bottle.

"Stop! Iroh! It's mine!", Sokka shouted as he grabbed the bottle and pulled.

"No! You're underage. You can't drink!"

"Yes I can! It's not alcohol!"

"No! You have your whole life ahead of you!"

"I don't care!"

"Give it back, boy!"

"No!"

"Drinking makes your penis tiny!"

"No it doesn't!"

"It ruins your kidneys."

"I'm not drinking alcohol!"

Step 4- State that you only want what's best for them and give them wise advice.

"I will not let you ruin your life!"

"I'm old enough to choose what I want to do!"

"No, you're just a child!"

"No I am not! I fought a war!"

"I'm not letting you ruin yourself! Give me the bottle!"

"You just want to drink it yourself!"

Iroh looked at Sokka with a disappointed look. "How could you think I would do such a thing?"

Sokka looked at him incredulously, "You just did!"

Iroh looked past Sokka's shoulder and waved, "Why, hello Suki!"

Sokka turned around. "Suki?"

"Ha!" Iroh took the bottle and ran away. "Hehehehe."

"Iroh! Come back!"

"No!". Iroh kept on running.

"Iroh!"

"ABSTINANCE IS THE KEY!"

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><p><strong>There you go.<strong>

**If any of you have interesting ideas of what Iroh should talk to the Gaang about just tell me.**

**Thanks and Review**


	2. Drugs

**Hey people. **

**Thanks for reviewing though I would appreciate more reviews. I don't want to sound demanding I just would like more reviews. **

**Anyway. On with the story.**

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><p>IROH'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO PARENTING<p>

_Ch. 2_

How talk to your kids about…Drugs

Step 1- If you have suspicions that your child might be abusing drugs, watch them closely but discretely

The full moon's light splashed across the Fire Lord's Palace. Other than the chirp of crickets, the Palace was quiet. Too quiet. A shadow gracefully swept across the palace garden, racing towards the guest quarters. An even larger shadow followed the first one, though not as graceful, but just as quiet. The first shadow silently opened a door and stepped into the room.

Mai pulled her hood back. As much as she enjoyed visiting the palace, she missed her home's silence. Ty Lee's insistent babbling, Azula's bossy orders, and Zuko's fits of rage were getting to her. Mai sighed and walked towards the restroom. She needed to get rid of this headache. She pulled out the bottle of pills and took two. That should be enough. Just as she was about to pop them in to her mouth, she heard a shout.

"Stop!"

Step 2- If you found out your suspicions were correct, find a convenient time to confront your child about it. Don't get mad at them. Remain calm and speak to them about your feelings towards drugs.

Mai turned around to see Iroh pointing a finger at her.

"I caught you! Put those pills down!", he said.

Mai rolled her eyes. "What are you doing here, Iroh?". She wasn't really in the mood for foolishness.

"I know you're hurting Mei, but doing that isn't the way to go.", he said with a knowing tone.

Ignoring the mispronunciation of her name*, she said, "What exactly am I doing?".

"You are obviously still in denial, child. You should sit down for this."

Mai stayed standing up with an apathetic look on her face.

"Well, you are obviously abusing drugs to forget about your problems."

_You have problems_, she thought. Mai sighed, "I'm not abusing drugs."

"Yes, you are. Stop being in denial Mei. Just embrace it. Say it with me, 'I am a pothead."

"I'm not smoking pot, I'm taking pills."

"Oh, so you admit you are abusing drugs."

Mai glared at him, "I'm not abusing drugs."

"Yes. You are a pothead."

"No. I'm not"

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"NO."

"This is worse than I thought. I have to bring reinforcements.", Iroh murmured.

Mai rolled her eyes. "Fine. I am a pothead."

"See.", Iroh said as he patted her back. "Doesn't that make you feel good."

"Great. I am cured. Thank you. You can leave now.", Mai said sarcastically.

"Oh no. We are not done here."

"WHAT?"

Step 3- Show your child you care about them. Show them they can trust you. Tell them they could come to you for any of their problems. Give them wise advise.

"No."

"Yes. You can tell me your problems. I will listen. You can trust me not to tell anyone.", Iroh said calmly.

"No, I can't. You told everyone Zuko didn't stop bedwetting until he was ten! He'll never live it down!", she glared at him.

"See. Roid rage. The drugs are having an affect on you.", he pointed out.

"Ugh! Here take the pills! I'm leaving.", Mai growled as she threw the pills on his face and stalked away.

As she reached the palace's gates she heard a faint shout.

"ABSTINANCE IS THE KEY!"

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><p>*I found out Mai is pronounced like may but I know someone whos name is Mai like my so that's how I pronounce it.<p>

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><p><strong>There you go. <strong>

**It'd be awesome if you guys gave me ideas. **

**Anyway R&R**


	3. Steroids

**Hey. **

**So I was browsing the Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfiction to see if I got any reviews. Turns out I haven't got that many. But to those who have reviwed, THANK YOU! You will be rewarded with virtual milkshakes. Yum.**

**Anyway, THIS SECTION IS IMPORTANT. ZUTARA FANS PLEASE READ.**

**I noticed that there were many Zutara fanfictions so I thought, "Hmm. If I put Zutara on the summary of my story would more people read it?"**

**So I'm going to try it. If you were a Zutara fan and you read this then review. Tell me how mad you were that I tricked you or how hillarious this was or that I suck or whatever. If you're not a Zutura fan, why are you reading this?**

**Anyway, on with the story.**

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><p>Iroh's Complete Guide to Parenting<p>

Ch. 2

_How to talk to your kids about…steroids_

Step 1- Investigate. Think about the reasons why your child might be pressured to take steroids.

The teashop was bustling with customers. People of different ages, statuses, gender, and likes drank tea and held small talks with their acquaintances. In the kitchen of the teashop, Jet sat down and sighed. Working in the teashop was no small walk in the woods. You had to carry giant pots full of steaming hot tea, while worming your way across slim spaces between tables and chairs, and be nice to people. Seriously. Who in their right mind was nice to _these_ people! Anyway, it was for the good of the Earth Kingdom citizens. They had to know about these Fire Nation swine. That was why he was "helping" the old Fire Nation man and his nephew. The man's name was Mushi. Dumb, old, Mushi. Fat, tea-loving Mushi and his deranged nephew. They were going down.

Jet sighed. He didn't know how much more he could take. Mushi was somewhat insane and Lee was brooding half of the time he was there. Jet leaned back on the stool and rested his back on the wall. Suddenly, a bright light flashed on his eyes. Squinting, he followed the ray of light and spotted a needle. Confused, he picked up the needle. Why would there be a needle in the kitchen? Jet heard the kitchen door open and, startled, jumped off the stool.

"Oh. Hey Mushi. I thought you were with that business manager, you know, negotiating about your new teashop.", he said, forcing a smile on his face.

However, Mushi was not paying attention to Jet. Instead, he was staring at the needle in his hand as if it were some mutated animal from outer space.

"What is that?", Mushi asked.

"Um. It's a needle.", Jet answered, confused on why Mushi was acting so weird.

Mushi turned his gaze towards Jet.

"How could you Jet?", Mushi shrieked.

"How could I what?", Jet asked, startled at Mushi's reaction.

"I thought you knew better! You don't need that stuff. I honestly didn't think this job was that hard." Mushi rambled.

"Wait, wait. What am I doing?" Jet asked, slowly backing away from Mushi.

"I mean you can do the job well. You're one of my best waiters. Or are you doing this for the looks? It's ok Jet. You don't need more muscles."

"Wait! Why do I need muscles? What are you talking about?". Jet was starting to get scared. Mushi never acted like this.

Step 2- Go somewhere private and reassure your child you'll be there no matter what. Also speak to them about the effects of steroids. Give them wise advise. 

"Don't worry Jet. You don't need muscles to look good. I mean, look at me. I'm a hit with the ladies." Mushi continued.

"Whoa, Mushi, wait…"

"Honestly, half of the girls are here to see you. I mean I'm sure my nephew finds you attractive as well…"

"WHAT?", Jet yelled.

"So don't worry Jet. You don't need that stuff. You're HOT. Really. I'm not lying. You're like Edward from the Twilight story thingy except, well, you're not pale, and you're not a vampire. And you don't have a hot girlfriend. And… you get my point." Mushi rambled.

"Mushi! What are you talking about? I have no idea what in the world you're saying!" Jet franticly yelled.

"Jet. I know you have a low self-esteem but you don't need to resort to steroids. You just don't need them.", Mushi explained calmly.

Jet took a whole step back. "Whoa, hey. I'm not taking steroids."

"Yes you are. What else is that needle for?", Mushi said, pointing at the needle.

"Whoa, no. This is just a sewing needle. I found it here in the kitchen." Jet explained.

"Oh you can't fool me child. I know my needles. They call me the needle expert. Now give it to me."

"No!" Jet yelled, pulling the needle away.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!" yelled Mushi as he jumped on Jet.

"Oof! Mushi, you weigh like 600 pounds! Get off!", Jet shouted while Mushi was on his back.

"I'm 200 pounds, thank you very much. Now give me the needle."

"No!"

Suddenly, Lee walked in. Jet and Mushi stopped yelling and froze. Lee looked at his uncle on top of Jet as if he were on a piggyback ride. Then, he looked at Jet who was straining to stay standing. Lee turned around and walked away.

"Think of a happy place. Think of a happy place.", they heard him muttering.

"Aha!" Mushi yelled as he took the neele form Jet and jumped off.

"Now Jet. Sit down."

Jet sat down.

"Now. Jet, you know steroids are bad for you.", he started.

"But…"

"No, buts. It has terrible side effects."

"But I…", Jet started.

"No! It's true! Here let me show you a picture." Mushi pulled out a sheet of paper.

"That's just a picture of a stick with two balls." Jet stated, a bit confused.

"Exactly, a very _tiny_ stick with two tiny balls. Now let me tell you how hard it is when you have these side effects and you are trying to enjoy the night with your girlfriend, if you ever have one.", Mushi explained.

"Whoa! No! I don't want to know!", Jet shouted.

"You see because your "stick" is tiny it's harder…" Mushi started.

Jet jumped off of the stool. "NO! I don't want to know! La la la la la." Jet shouted while he put his fingers in his ears.

"And so, she doesn't enjoy it as much…"

"Ahhh! I QUIT!" Jet pulled his apron off and ran out towards the main room.

He ran passed all the customers yelling, "I don't want to know! I'm too young for this!"

Everyone watched him leave, then turned towards the tea maker who had an evil grin covering his face. "So… Who wants Jasmine tea?" Mushi asked.

"YEAH!" the entire room shouted.

Meanwhile, far away from the teashop, Jet could hear Mushi's faint shout, "ABSTINANCE IS THE KEY!"

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><p><strong>So, there we go. Please Review. Come on. The button's right there. Just press it. That's what it's there for. <strong>


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